Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
