The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
