Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
