this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
