i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
