Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
