Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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