I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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