god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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