ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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