"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
