I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
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Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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