Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
