I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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