Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
