In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
