R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
