I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
