I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
