She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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