My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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