what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
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