I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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