I wish I could teleport
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
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I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
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You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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