I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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