if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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