I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
