I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
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Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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