idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
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I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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