The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize