If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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