Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
