She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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