I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
