he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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