I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
