if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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