I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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