what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
