my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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