i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
