Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
