This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
