Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
