I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
