It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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