I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
