Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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