And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
