you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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