I am spending my child support on dildos
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
