No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
