The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Everclear isn't food dammit
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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