Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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