totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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