I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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