Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
