when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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